It was a beautiful, clear morning when I first arrived home to the states and I was going for a run around my grandmother’s perfectly clean retirement community. It was pretty early with a slight chill that was odd for the beginning of June. I was hot, sweaty and almost finished, already thinking about what was for breakfast. As I was drawing closer to my grandmother’s house, a sudden sharp pain hit my foot and immediately sent a message of the rest of my body – this isn’t good. I keeled over onto the grass clutching my right leg and rolled side to side. A few unattractive words later, I looked at the bottom of my shoe and there was a nail. It had gone through perfectly straight, right into my foot. As I sat on the grass, sweaty and crying, I begged for God to send someone. I tried to take my shoe off but there was no way it was happening. After about five minutes of pulling on the nail and not a soul in sight, I felt frustrated and a little embarrassed. I thought maybe I could hop the rest of the way back to my grandmother’s so I tried to stand but it just caused more pain. I felt very defeated so I kept praying for someone to come. Finally, a tiny, old Indian lady who was on her morning walk came strolling down the street. I called for her through sweat and tears, motioning that I needed some help. She came over asking if I was okay and if I needed a ride. I said “No, but a pair of pliers would be nice.” As she was in her house, the LORD’s peace came over me and I felt him wanting me to talk to this woman. Shocked, I began to laugh. “Really?! Are you serious right now?! You could have just asked me to talk to her.” I said out loud. A few minutes later, she returned, with a wrench… I said “Do you happen to to have any pliers?” She said no as she pulled out a pair of pliers and tried herself to rip the nail from my shoe with a slight tug. I winced at the pain and bit my fist before I could express in words how I really felt. I asked her for the pliers and said “I’ll do it.” I pulled out the nail and dropped my head with a sigh as I was flooded with relief. Thanking the woman, we began to chat and she shared a similar experience where a woman helped her in her time of need.
Sometimes when the LORD gives me directions I ignore them because I feel that they ask too much of me. Then I can’t sleep (it’s 2 am right now). I become anxious. My mind races with other ideas of things I could do, and although the ideas are great, it is not God’s will for me. It is not His plan for my life. My imagination is pretty good and my flesh loves to run away from everything especially if it involves the Lord. It’s not that I don’t like pleasing him, I’ve just ALWAYS done the bare minimum to get through life. I call it survival mode. The Bible calls it many things like disobedience, fear, selfishness, sometimes laziness, etc… As long as I’m not as bad as that person or as extreme and spiritual as them, I’m good,right? “No. No, Lauren. In fact, you’re not.” But I look like I know what I’m doing. I look cool. I look like I have everything under control. I look good to everyone else. “You might ‘look good’ but you definitely don’t feel good” I’ve tried my whole life to be like other people, seeing things I like and attempting to take those qualities and apply them to myself. Trying to create myself. Trying to be good at all things. “Lauren, you can’t do all the things.” God said to me as he woke me up at 2 am. “Didn’t you learn this on the World Race?” At some point on the race this past year, I stopped doing “all the things” that all the racers do. Not because I wanted to, but because the LORD told me to. I was pretty angry with him. But He wanted me to learn some key things and one of them was “You are not the sum of your experiences. You are more than that. So much more, that I died for you.” The Bible says..
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future…” Jeremiah 29:11
Dang. My flesh was kind of hoping I could just skate by through life, have some cool experiences and then maybe settle down in “my nice home” and have a few “nice things.” “No, Lauren. I have more for you.” Dang. I love the idea of leadership. I love the idea of pouring into others and having an eternal impact on someone. I love the idea of sharing my heart and passion for God and people. I love the idea of full time ministry. All of these things are great… at an arms distance. The thought of actually doing these things for the rest of my life terrifies me. There is such a weight that comes with responsibility. Over the past few years I have focused on those “terrifying” things and weight instead of on Jesus. It has also been the hardest and most unsatisfying few years of my life, knowing what God is calling me to but running away. Wanting inner healing but not stepping into who He has called me to be.
